Naked and afraid to eat

“Clothes make a man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

Well, Mr. Twain, I beg to differ. Little did you know that we’d have naked dating shows, naked real estate shows and naked survival shows. Oh, and naked restaurants. I’m thinking naked people do have a wee bit of influence these days.

Oo la la! France is on my bucket list of travels. Food, wine, fashion and sites –  oui! I am looking forward to seeing more of the country than I saw recently, which was the inside of an airport on a layover.

Naked and afraid to eat…

But, one place I will definitely avoid is the new, all-nude restaurant. (Don’t believe me? Google it. I can’t be responsible for the spam bots, okay? Okay!) Hey, if I plan to drop a boatload of money on clothes in Paris, I want to show them off. Right? I mean, I’m all for themed-restaurants, but who comes up with the idea that people want to eat when they are nude? I’m thinking they aren’t going to be famous for their wings, ya know?

My mind goes places. Places I don’t want it to go… like to pre-teen immaturity when I hear “naked.”

So, please bare with me while I have a little fun.

I envision patrons lining up out the door, waiting for their table, wearing big-brimmed hats, Jackie O-style sunglasses and trench coats. Apparently, when patrons come in, they remove their clothes in a changing room, and bounce on over to their table. The windows are covered to keep peeping Toms inquisitive folks from sneaking a peak. (See what I did here?!) This new restaurant is among a few others around the world where the folks give new meaning to eating raw.

“Hey babe, you want to go to that new restaurant?” Gives me chills just thinking about being asked that innuendo-laced question.

First off, I’d be a little squeamish on the seating arrangements. Do I really want to share a previously occupied chair with my unprotected derriere? No. Maybe disposable seat covers are an option? But I’m unclear as to whether that would be comfy. Imagine getting up after eating and peeling that off your bum like a wrapper on a sticky taffy. Now that’s how to impress your date!

Oh – yikes – can you imagine seeing a fellow diner get physically excited over the daily specials? Lord, have mercy! Me, either!

Imagine the frustration of the waitstaff. Phrases like, “Keep your shirt on. You’ll be seated soon,” or, “Don’t get your pantyhose in a knot,” are rendered useless.

In case of emergency…

What happens if some prankster pulls the fire alarm? Or the kitchen catches on fire? Are disposable hospital gowns attached to the bottom of each chair in case of emergency? Was this a thing in the business plan? Did anyone think this through??? Or maybe there’s a pile of fig leaves by the emergency exits, just in case.

Maybe there’s a pile of fig leaves by the emergency exits, just in case. Share on X

I don’t know about you, butt (pun intended) I might be a bit self-conscious about eating dessert when other patrons could see back fat or belly rolls. But, at least there would be no “muffin top” views, because, well, obviously one is not in jeans. So, I guess that’s good.

Keeping it clean

Another benefit I can see is that slopping red wine or marina sauce on yourself would be an easy clean-up. Much less costly than the dry cleaners. So, there’s that.

You certainly wouldn’t need to worry about over eating, because there is no intrusive belt or waist band to remind you to control yourself. I wonder if that would lead to clothing theft in the changing room as people rummage for bigger pants than they originally wore…

For menopausal women, I guess dining in the nude would be helpful, as there is no need to strip off layers of clothing during a hot flash. Well, now, you know what? That could be a game-changer.

Maybe, after all, this whole naked-while-eating concept has some merit. However, I’m betting the dining establishment is not catering to us mid-lifers. Soup-boob syndrome is probably not their end-goal. All I know is that this restaurant gives a whole, new meaning to “Moon(light) over Paris.”

© Lynne Cobb – 2017

What play on words can you share for the naked restaurants? Share your clean humor in the comments below.

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