We have learned to warn and educate each other and our daughters.
And yet, here we are. Dealing with something so horrific that we don’t have the words to express or articulate.
We’ve had enough. We’ve always had enough. We change our patterns to be “safer.” We check in when we reach our destinations. We have a buddy system. We scan the area. We dress differently; we speak differently. We carry pepper spray. We do our best to protect ourselves, and yet, it is still not enough.
Jane Doe is extremely courageous for coming forward – again – to get justice.
Because of my history, I want to share a few things that I believe will help others better understand what she’s dealing with, and will also hopefully put an end to, “Why did/didn’t she do ________ (fill in the blank.) Because I’m exhausted by the victim-blaming/shaming of anyone who has been abused.
Ready? Let’s go.
1 – Anyone who has been traumatized to the degree Jane has needs an extraordinary amount of time to process what happened. First and foremost, she was betrayed by a friend. Someone she thought she was safe with. In addition to the trauma of the incident, she now has “Betrayal Trauma,” one of the most difficult forms of trauma to heal from. Ask anyone who has been betrayed – including me – and you will learn how devastating this is. Trying to wrap your mind around someone who is supposed to care for you, then harms and damages you is a definite “mind f*ck.” She is also dealing with betrayal from institutions that should have protected her.
2 – The fear of telling someone what happened – especially if it can’t be articulated – is a real fear. Many times, the person victimized will “dissociate” from the experience because their brain can’t process what happened. And, for many – including myself – that dissociation can last for years. It’s your body and psyche protecting you from something too dangerous to process.
3 – The fear that no one will believe you. This happens because, many times, the perpetrator presents as a “great person.” The male family member appears loving and generous. The guy friend who appears to be safe. The guy at your place of worship. The male co-worker that has your back. So, when they do something egregious and harmful, who will believe you? That “stand-up” guy couldn’t have done that!
4 – The fear of not being heard. This goes hand in hand with the fear of not being believed. I recall that when my brain finally started connecting the dots about abuse, people who I believed would be there for me were not. There was a specific incident where I had a flashback, and not only was I not comforted at that moment, I was then raged at. As if I was making others uncomfortable with my traumatic experience and that my comfort and safety was an inconvenience to others.
5 – Shame. The incredible amount of shame a victim feels in one of the saddest feelings in a traumatic situation. The person who has been victimized questions herself, her choices, her very essence of being. This shame is really “Carried Shame,” which doesn’t belong to her. It belongs to her perpetrator. Yet – she will carry it until she does the work to heal from the traumatic event. Abusers have a unique way of dumping the shame of their horrific behavior onto the person they victimized, instead of owning their own destructive behavior.
6 – People turn a blind eye. In most cases, people know something was off or wrong. In my case, I learned that several female relatives were aware there was a pedophile in the family and did nothing about it. Whether it was fear of being excommunicated from the family, disbelief their loved one was harming children – whatever – it is when people “mind their own business” that abuse continues. And sure, it is scary to weigh the odds of speaking up over keeping quiet. Families can dismantle, friendships can dissolve, jobs can be lost. However, the cost of not speaking up when witnessing any kind of abuse – be it sexual, verbal, physical or emotional – has horrific effects on people and society at large.
Instead of asking someone who has been victimized why she didn’t leave, fight back, call the police, blah, blah, blah, let’s start asking questions of the perpetrators of abuse.
Why do YOU feel entitled to treat another human being without dignity?
Why do YOU feel entitled to her body?
Why do YOU feel entitled to invite others to violate her body?
Why do YOU feel entitled to hit her?
Why do YOU feel entitled to molest/attack a child?
Why do YOU feel entitled to control your girlfriend/wife?
Why do YOU feel entitled to threaten a woman?
Why do YOU feel entitled to make choices and not be accountable?
Why do YOU feel entitled to ________________ (fill in the blank.)
Is anyone else seeing a common thread to these crimes? Yeah – entitlement.
And there is only one cure to entitlement – accountability.
Let’s band together even more strongly this time for all Jane Does. Let’s hold these entitled a$$holes accountable for their destructive choices. And let’s band together and push for the maximum consequences for these crimes; not just a slap on the wrist. Let’s stop questioning victims and start questioning the behavior and attitudes of the offenders.
We’ve had enough. I have had enough.
Ready? Let’s go.
In peace,
If you need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit their website at https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-awareness-month/
© LynneWrites – 2026
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